


The Tavros Retrospective

by orphan_account



Series: The Tavros Retrospective [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (guess what. It's tavros), Alternate Selves, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Animated GIFs, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Identity Issues, Illustrations, M/M, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not Epilogue Compliant, Slow Burn, Smash Bros Players to Lovers, This fic is hella tavros centric yall strap urselves in, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-03 11:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19463080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Tavros has to deal with the epilogue like the rest of us.





	1. Chapter 1

There was a three-day long fight about whether to call it "Earth C", or "Alternia: Electric Boogaloo", (having a trial was weird without Terezi), before the former won out of brevity. Tavros thinks that whatever the place looks like, it sure as hell doesn't look much like Alternia; so they can have the name.

The sun, for instance. No longer lethal; though Egbert had informed him pretty condescendingly that “weeell, technically Earth's sun was pretty killer if you stood under it for long enough and like, caught cancer or something.” (Did Earth's sun fry you like an egg as soon as you set foot under it, John? No. Shut up.) But Earth C’s sun is still bright, and hurts to look at. And it stays up a lot longer than the four moons do at night.

Earth C is what Tavros can only describe as… saturated. Turquoise grass. Rolling pink oceans that crash against shores with lavender sand. Candy-red leaves growing on plasticky trees.

It _all_ kind of hurts his eyes, now that he thinks about it.

Getting used to life in a new universe, even one of your own creation, isn't exactly an easy process. He's got the hang of it now, but a while ago, when Tavros was slightly more babyfaced and still suffered chronic nightmares, it was difficult. At least he's not the only one, though. Everyone on Earth C has developed their own coping mechanisms, even if they won't admit it, and Tavros' is noticing the consistencies.

Consistency one: John is annoying. Like a lot actually.

Unlike most of the individuals who've been introduced to Tavros as assholes retroactively (mostly by Karkat, because he is a self-proclaimed master on the subject), Tavros has known John is kind of an asshole from the very beginning. A ring-hogging, windy-retconning, condescending-about-the-sun asshole. Yeah. Tavros has written a rap about it.

Of course he's never performed it (it takes at least two Aradia-screenings for Tavros to even CONSIDER letting a rap get past the draft stage), but John really is that particular kind of douchebag you can throw down some lyrical baggage about. He's just… stupid. Well, ignorant, which is probably worse. He knows nothing about anything and thinks it's a point of pride. Says he, "doesn't wanna know more about your weird eggy alien murder rituals, please." Excuse him. Tavros has lived through _several_ of those weird eggy alien murder rituals.

God.

It's weird because with any other person he could brush it off as them just being, well, an asshole. Like the Strider with a hat (who he hasn't seen in, like three months. Last time he mentioned something about writing a fanfiction or something? Humans terrify Tavros.) Or Eridan, who always kind of was accepted as one of the higher tier assholes in their clusterfucky friend group, whom Tavros has taken many intricate and fancy steps around to avoid. Those are the assholes you don't talk to because they're assholes, and that's that on that.

Unfortunately, John is infuriatingly good at Smash Bros and he's the only one who holds weekly sessions at a consistent basis.

So Tavros hangs out with a guy that he hates, or, um, at the very least just generally kind of doesn't like at all, for one day of every week. To play Smash Bros.

And it's nice, even if John keeps insisting on maining Peach for no reason.

\---

Consistency two: they don't talk about Vriska.

It wouldn't be noteworthy, because not many of them like talking about Vriska even under normal circumstances (she usually talked enough about herself to fill the quota), if not for the fact that she's the only one who isn't here. Terezi went looking for her some sweeps back and every few weeks, she sends out a snapchat or two. But other than that, nothing.

Tavros used to have a lot of weird, gummed up feelings about this that kept him up at night. They smoothed out, eventually, into something close to apathy, and Tavros can definitely live with that a lot easier.

Though, that consistency implies Tavros spends a lot of time talking to the others. He can count the number of people he talks to daily on… like... one hand, probably, and one of them is the cashier lady at the bubble tea shop.

Part of the daily routine is avoiding ARquiusprite at all costs. Tavros has shaped entire weeks around it. It’d almost be nice talking to another sprite, if said sprite wasn’t composed of maybe some of the loudest, uncomfortably muscled, _sweatiest_ people Tavros has had the tentative pleasure of knowing. Apparently he’s #Woke now, which is... it's the worst.

Kanaya and Rose hold fancy parties at their ultra gothic mansion every Sunday, they invite Tavros sometimes, and it’s nice even though he spends most of the time floating around the appetizer table. Kanaya doesn’t speak to him much except to ask occasionally if he needs anything, and each time she does, he can’t think of anything to respond with. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to feel guilty or not about that.

They used to talk more when Vriska was around, because Kanaya was the only one he could talk to about _her_ , and now they just.. don’t.

\---

Consistency three: Tavros is technically not Tavros all the way through.

It catches him off guard all the damn time, remembering he's actually one-half bronze bull boy, one-half walking allergy tripwire; especially since he's pretty sure everyone keeps avoiding talking about it in front of him. (Actually Tavros appreciates that. Thanks guys.) Because he.. thinks like Tavros, and whenever he talks in third person he's like _hi I am Tavros_ , not _Gcatavrosprite_ , and it's so easy for everything that's not-Tavros about him to fade into his peripheral vision. It becomes a blind spot.

Mostly it hits him whenever he sees his reflection. Like for a second he'll be like _what the fuck_ and his reflection will be like _oh shit! You have see-through skin now, remember? And kitty whiskers and no legs. Remember that you're fucked up now?_ And Tavros will be like,

_Oh. Yeah._

He's pretty sure if he reached into the deep recesses of his soul and thinkpan he could write some pretty sick raps about that too; but he doesn't know if he really has the mental fortitude.

_Well, at least in the legs area you're already experienced._

If Tavros could punch out a reflection, he would.

\---

Consistency four: time is an illusion, according to Aradia. One day she says she's going on a "business trip" and leaves without fanfare.

Tavros is now without a partner for his morning visits to Can Town, so he just stops going.

\--

Consistency five: Jake is weird.

Well, like, it doesn’t stop Tavros from hanging out with him. He doesn’t even mean it in a mean way because everyone on Earth C is kind of weird? Jake is still _nice_. He’s a good guy and he actually enjoys Tavros’ company (at least Tavros thinks so) cause he’s constantly inviting Tavros over.

Jake and Dirk’s shared hive is a tremendous, lopsided beast of a castle that seems to be in a different state of disarray every time Tavros peeks in to survey the damage. He’s pretty sure all the clutter is Dirk’s, too, because most of it is smuppety in nature and looks very, very expensive.

Jake keeps opening the front door before Tavros even pushes the doorbell, which startles him each and every time, but Jake’s always so eager to hang out Tavros doesn’t have time to feel miffed about it. And you know what? Jake’s one of the only people Tavros knows who’s actually excited to talk to him. Makes him feel some kinda way. Complaining would make him more of an ass than he already is.

They tend to talk about games they used to play when they were kids. Tavros has tried time and again to explain the rules of Fiduspawn, but Jake doesn’t really grasp the intricacies past “ooh shiny card! Why’s it got a big horse tush on it?” so he’s settled for showing Jake his card collections and calling it a day. (It’s not as if bragging about his level 185 Zigaroni is something Tavros… like... _doesn’t_ enjoy.)

In return Jake tells him about the various incredibly dangerous adventures he gallivanted on in his youth, and the island he lived on with his grandma -- turns out he’s also met tinkerbulls, which makes Tavros so excited he almost knocks over the stack of wizard smutfics they’re using for a makeshift desk. Jake gets a nostalgic gleam in his eye and a wistful tone as he tells Tavros about his strange, loving human lusus who was defiant to the end, and Tavros remembers his own strange, loving lusus who didn’t really see the end coming.

That’s not the part about Jake that’s weird, though. What’s weird is that every time one of Jake’s friends comes over, he becomes a completely different person.

Most of the time it’s Dirk, but sometimes it’s Jane. When Dirk is around, Jake sort of turns on a dime; he gets so weirdly smiley and chipper and “tally-ho old chaps,” it feels like Tavros’ best friend (?) has been replaced by a Stepford wife, and that’s pretty awful to sit through.

Jane might be worse than Dirk actually, because Tavros is 85% sure they’ve got weird ex history or something, they’ve never talked about it. Jake goes completely silent when Jane’s in the house, even after she leaves.

It’s super fucking awkward is what Tavros is trying to convey.

\--

After five months, a rip in space and time opens up over Can Town.

Tavros is in a bubble tea shop when it happens, handing change over to the cashier for a strawberry shake. He glibly notes that the coins (with John's face on the backsides) are starting to rattle on the counter before an explosion, so loud Tavros hears nothing, sends him hurtling to the ground. His horn knocks hard against something. His vision goes white from pain.

The door makes a cheerful ding as he stumbles out the shop half-blind, coughing as he inhales a lungful of dust. His head throbs. The sunlight sends white-hot little pinpricks dancing behind his eyes and he tries not to keel over.

There are faint, familiar voices sounding past the disoriented murmurs of the carapacians around him.

> ???: o)( my cod, w)(y t)(e flying fish FUCK is t)(at sun so brig)(t  
>  ???: why does the sky… look l1ke that?  
>  ???: H3Y L0L 4 8U88L3 734 5H0P

He's imagining them. He has to be.

Someone groans in pain in front of him.

> TAVROS: fUCK,  
>  TAVROS: oW,

> TAVROS: hEY,  
>  TAVROS: mIND HELPING A GUY UP,

> VRISKA: ...........  
>  VRISKA: tavros?

> TAVROS: Pass out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An impromptu meeting is held.

> KARKAT: OKAY EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP.
> 
> KARKAT: ORDER IN THE COURT. LEGISLACERATER IN THE HIVE.
> 
> KARKAT: COREY IN THE HOUSE. STOP TRYING TO KNOCK OVER THE FUCKING DND TABLE YOU IDIOTS.
> 
> KARKAT: SO. A BLACK HOLE OPENS UP OVER YOUR TOWN. FUCK THAT NOISE, AM I RIGHT.
> 
> KARKAT: UNFORTUNATELY OUT OF THE EIGHTY-TWO OUTLINED PLANS WE MADE AT THE CREATION OF THIS UNIVERSE IN CASE OF POTENTIAL X-CLASS END OF THE WORLD SCENARIOS, BLACK HOLES CONTAINING ARMIES OF GHOSTS WASN’T ACCOUNTED FOR.
> 
> KARKAT: BUT THE POTENTIAL SCENARIO OF  ‘yogurt coming to life and taking over sentient life as we know it through annexation of ohio’ WAS.
> 
> KARKAT: I HATE YOU PEOPLE.
> 
> KARKAT: ANYHOW KANAYA AND HARLEY HAVE HELPED US ROUND UP ALL THE GHOSTS, AT LEAST TO OUR KNOWLEDGE, PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT THEY’RE THE ONLY COMPETENT ONES AROUND HERE.
> 
> KARKAT: ANYONE GOT A _RATIONAL_ , _REASONABLE_ PLAN FOR DEALING WITH THESE CHUCKLEFUCKS THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE OPENING UP MORE BLACK HOLES?
> 
> SOLLUX: we could make one biig hole two dump them iintwo
> 
> KARKAT: GODDAMMIT

With that the impromptu board meeting explodes into arguing, like usual. Tavros sits placidly on his designated beanbag chair, twiddling his thumbs.

Aradia is one of the only ones not screaming a suggestion or lobbing insults -- there’s a too-wide, knowing smile on her face. It’s kind of unclear when exactly she came back from her “business trip”, but she brought Terezi with her, who looks none worse the wear compared to most of them. Tavros feels Aradia’s unblinking stare upon him from across the table, shifts his collar uncomfortably, and looks elsewhere.

> KANAYA: At This Point I Am Surprised That All Of Us Are Surprised
> 
> KANAYA: Not To Be Crass But Weird Shit Happens All The Time Thanks To Us
> 
> KANAYA: It Probably Isn’t Helped By The Time Somersaults Our Fellow Players Appear To Be Making
> 
> KANAYA: Is That Not Affecting The Timeline
> 
> DAVE: hey man
> 
> DAVE: if i cant use my god given ability to rewind time to rewatch karkat slipping on kanayas discarded grub husks over and over
> 
> DAVE: then whats the point of godhood
> 
> KARKAT: ):<B
> 
> DAVE: ily babe
> 
> KARKAT: ARADIA IS THERE A REASON FOR BARING THOSE UNGODLY FANGLESS BONE CRESCENTS AT ME.
> 
> KARKAT: IS IT YOUR SOCIAL MALAISE OR ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING
> 
> ARADIA: :)
> 
> KARKAT: OKAY, I DON’T WANNA KNOW. NEVER MIND.
> 
> KARKAT: IF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS HAVE NOTHING ELSE OF VALUE TO BRING TO THE TABLE THEN I’M DISMISSING YOU ALL AND STARTING UP THE DND CAMPAIGN AGAIN
> 
> TEREZI: 1 H4V3 SOM3TH1NG.

The room falls silent.

> TEREZI: TH3 GHOSTS H4V3 TOLD M3 TH4T TH3YRE S3ND1NG SOM3 4MB4SS4DORS UP TO 3XPL41N TH1NGS
> 
> TEREZI: NO GU4R4NT33 TH3Y H4V3 TH3 4NSW3RS TO 4NYTH1NG
> 
> TEREZI: BUT TH3YR3 NOT H3R3 TO DO H4RM

Tavros doesn't remember the last time he's ever heard Terezi sound so... tired.

> KARKAT: WOW FINALLY A PRODUCTIVE MOVE. THANKS PYROPE.
> 
> KARKAT: FINALLY THE COURTS HERE WILL HAVE SOMEONE COMPETENT TO BOSS THEM AROUND

Even Karkat's shouting goes down an octave, like he can't find it in himself to muster up the usual amount of bile at her. Terezi slumps back in her seat and clutches her cane. The abrupt end to her blunt, unrehearsed speech leaves the rest of the room mostly silent.

Tavros wonders what she found while wandering those black holes. Maybe nothing.

> KANAYA: Terezi
> 
> KANAYA: Are You Alri-

The door slams open.

> VRISKA: uh
> 
> VRISKA: hey, everyone.
> 
> VRISKA: 8een a while, huh?

She lets out a harrowed little laugh, then coughs.

> VRISKA: So, I disappeared from this dimension as you know it for a8out… a year and a half.
> 
> VRISKA: Some of you were searching for me. May8e some of you gave up, or didn't try and I can't 8lame you if you did. Where I went is inaccessi8le to you. At least until now.
> 
> VRISKA: I found myself falling through a void, for what felt like forever.
> 
> VRISKA: I don't think time was even passing so it pro8a8ly _was._
> 
> VRISKA: Eventually I landed somewhere though. It was the dream 8u88le where we piloted the Mindfang.. remem8er that? Heh.
> 
> VRISKA: 8ut something was wrong.

> VRISKA: the world was dead.

> VRISKA: i tried to access my powers, 8ut no matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t.

> VRISKA: so i stayed there.

> VRISKA: tavros found me after a while.
> 
> VRISKA: together, we were finally a8le to escape the dead 8u88le and re-enter the medium.
> 
> VRISKA: 8ut we couldn’t find the alpha timeline until the 8lack holes started showing up, and we got dumped here.
> 
> KARKAT: …
> 
> KARKAT: …
> 
> KARKAT: OKAY
> 
> KARKAT: UH
> 
> KARKAT: THAT’S FUCKIN’ WEIRD.
> 
> VRISKA: yeah karkat. It’s fuckin’ weird.
> 
> ROXY: wait tavros?
> 
> ROXY: is that where youve been all this time???

At the same time Tavros mumbles, uH, NO? the other one pipes up with an uH, YES.

> ROXY: wait i didnt mean that tavros
> 
> TAVROS: wHICH TAVROS,
> 
> KANAYA: The Tavros Presently Speaking
> 
> TAVROS COPY: wHICH IS ME?
> 
> Jake: Golly!! a tale of two tauruses...
> 
> ROXY: maaaan these tavroses r getting confusing to tell apart
> 
> JAKE: oh! tavros!
> 
> JAKE: er, GCATavros!
> 
> JAKE: you could make things less hard on us by changing your text color!
> 
> JAKE: pray tell, why is it bronze, anyhow, when you're clearly sporting a (rather lovely, might I add) blue visage, yourself?
> 
> TAVROS: bECAUSE
> 
> TAVROS: i’M _TAVROS_ ,
> 
> TAVROS: bRONZE HAS BEEN THE TAVROS COLOR, SINCE LIKE,
> 
> TAVROS: fOREVER??
> 
> TAVROS: aND PROBABLY BEFORE THAT????
> 
> TAVROS: aLSO UP UNTIL THIRTY MINUTES AGO I WAS THE ONLY TAVROS AROUND SO THERE WASN'T ANY CONFUSION OR ANYTHING,
> 
> TAVROS COPY: uH, iT'S BEEN MY COLOR TOO, BUDDY,
> 
> TAVROS COPY: wE'RE THE SAME GUY EXCEPT, YOU KNOW,
> 
> TAVROS COPY: yOU'VE GOT A LITTLE MORE KITTY CAT IN YOU,
> 
> TAVROS: hEY,
> 
> TAVROS: tHAT WAS NOT AN INTENTIONAL CHOICE ON MY PART,
> 
> TAVROS: i WAS A CORPSE WHEN THAT DECISION WAS MADE,
> 
> TAVROS: yOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING,
> 
> JAKE: I recall you spoke in blue during the game…
> 
> TAVROS: tHAT WAS JUST THAT, DURING THE GAME,
> 
> TAVROS: i WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPRITE SO IT CHANGED ME, OKAY,
> 
> TAVROS: aND NOW I'M THE WAY I'M SUPPOSED TO BE,
> 
> TAVROS: dOWN TO _MY_ TEXT COLOR,
> 
> TAVROS: aND MY NAME,
> 
> ROXY: waow this is some irl no doubles shit 
> 
> TAVROS (x2): wHAT,
> 
> DAVE: ok ok break it up my alien gentlemen
> 
> DAVE: as someone previously well acquainted with another sprite saddled with identity issues up the wazoo i think its best if we dont force anyone to do shit they dont wanna do
> 
> DAVE: new tavros
> 
> DAVE: wait i guess youre technically old tavros
> 
> DAVE: whatever
> 
> DAVE: what if we called you (tavros)
> 
> DAVE: ghost tav for yknow speaking purposes

The other Tavros considers.

> (TAVROS): tHAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD,
> 
> (TAVROS): gHOSTS ARE COOL }:)
> 
> JAKE: Tally ho!
> 
> TAVROS: wOW, gREAT,

Ghost Tavros speaks.

> (TAVROS): uNLIKE VRISKA, i DIDN’T, uh, LAND IN A BUBBLE,
> 
> (TAVROS): i FLOATED AROUND IN THE VOID UNTIL I SMACKED INTO ONE,
> 
> (TAVROS): aND I WAS PRETTY UNCONSCIOUS DURING THE EXPERIENCE, sO CAN’T TELL YOU MUCH ABOUT THE TRIP THERE,,
> 
> (TAVROS): wE WERE ABLE TO GET OUT OF THERE THANKS TO MY ROCKETCHAIR,
> 
> (TAVROS): aND AFTER THAT, wE FOUND SOME GHOST FRIENDS TOO }:)
> 
> (TAVROS): tHEY WERE ALSO LOST, mOST OF THEM ONLY REMEMBER BEING PLUCKED FROM THEIR DREAM BUBBLES, UH, OR THEIR BUBBLES SUDDENLY FIZZLING OUT,
> 
> (TAVROS): tHEY FOLLOWED US THROUGH THE TIME STREAM,
> 
> (TAVROS): i GUESS THAT'S WHY WE SORT OF ALL, UH,
> 
> (TAVROS): fELL INTO THIS TIMELINE,
> 
> (TAVROS): tHAT’S ALL, I GUESS,

Every time he speaks, Tavros blinks hard and tries to convince himself this isn't a particularly unpleasant fever dream. Everything about him is hitting the big red fight or flight button in Tavros' thinkpan - looking at him is looking into a funhouse mirror to find someone who looks like him, talks like him, and is completely alien.

> VRISKA: oh w8 w8 w8 - one more thing.

She turns to him.

Uh oh.

> VRISKA: 8eing in the void for so long with nothing 8ut my own thoughts to keep me company… it really made me reflect on all the things I've done.
> 
> VRISKA: sure, I helped save the universe and all, 8ut during that course I did some truly awful, despica8le,
> 
> VRISKA: downright H8NOUS things.
> 
> KANAYA: (Does Eight Really Go That Smoothly Into Heinous)
> 
> VRISKA: 8ut… there’s ONE PERSON… who i fucked up the most.

**_Uh oh._ **

> TAVROS: (,,,uH,)
> 
> VRISKA: Tavros,
> 
> TAVROS: (oH BOY)
> 
> VRISKA: I'd like to offer you my sincerest,
> 
> TAVROS: tHIS IS KIND OF A PUBLIC SETTING FOR THIS SORT OF THING,
> 
> VRISKA: most hum8le,
> 
> TAVROS: sERIOUSLY IT'S FINE
> 
> VRISKA: deepest apologies from the 8ottom of my 8loodpusher,
> 
> TAVROS: wOWWIE,
> 
> VRISKA: for terrorizing you all those sweeps,
> 
> VRISKA: not to mention walking you off a cliff and sta88ing you,
> 
> VRISKA: and then pulling a jape on you, with the crocker girl's meow8east, and transforming you into an a8omin8ion.
> 
> VRISKA: I understand if you can't find it in yourself to accept my apology!!!!!!!! In fact I wouldn't accept it if I were in your position!
> 
> TAVROS: dO WE NEED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW AT THIS EXACT MOMENT,
> 
> VRISKA: and an apology could never really atone for everything I did to you.
> 
> TAVROS: oKAY,
> 
> VRISKA: 8ut still.
> 
> VRISKA: I'm very, truly, deeply sorry.
> 
> VRISKA: (like, seriously.)

> TAVROS: uM,
> 
> TAVROS: tHANKS,
> 
> TAVROS: 
> 
> TAVROS: oH YEAH,
> 
> TAVROS: APOLOGY, UH, ACCEPTED,
> 
> VRISKA: You don't need to accept!!!!!!!!
> 
> TAVROS: i WOULD LIKE TO START TALKING ABOUT THE BLACK HOLES AGAIN,
> 
> TAVROS: wHAT IS UP WITH THOSE, AM I RIGHT,

Tavros' palms are sweaty. He didn't even know they could still _do_ that.

Vriska bows her head a little, her apology (thank fuck) seemingly over.

> VRISKA: thanks for your time.

She ducks out of the meeting room. The Tavros copy ghosts her heels.

> KARKAT: 
> 
> KARKAT: SO THAT WAS FUCKING EXCRUCIATING TO WATCH.
> 
> TAVROS: ,,,,,,
> 
> ARQUIUSPRITE: I dunno about you guys, but that seemed pretty woke to me.
> 
> KARKAT: OKAY THAT DOES IT. EVERYBODY GET YOUR SWEATY RUMPUSES OUT OF COURT.
> 
> KARKAT: DND IS AT SIX TONIGHT. SHOW UP ON TIME OR DON'T SHOW AT ALL, ASSHOLES.

Everyone pours out of the meeting room (which is just the back room of the now-demolished bubble tea shop) in whispering droves, Karkat shooing out the stragglers with the back end of a broom. The only evidence left of the black holes in the sky are a few oddly shaped clouds.

Tavros dodges the curious gazes of several straggler carapacians (every time he comes to Can Town he gets a small drove of people wanting to ask him about The Game and to sign body parts. It's all very awkward.) and floats toward a familiar face in the crowd.

> TAVROS: hEY JAKE,
> 
> JAKE: Tavros!!
> 
> TAVROS: tHAT SURE WAS A TRIP, HUH,
> 
> TAVROS: i DIDN'T EVEN GET MY BUBBLE TEA IN THE END }:(
> 
> JAKE: Oh nooo!! How tragic D:
> 
> TAVROS: i KNOW RIGHT,
> 
> TAVROS: sAY,
> 
> TAVROS: dO YOU WANT TO GO HANG OUT AT YOUR PLA-
> 
> (TAVROS): hEY THERE,
> 
> (TAVROS): bESPECTACLED HUMAN MAN,

Jake pauses and blinks.

> JAKE: Haha, whoa! are there TWO nitrams before me or am I just seeing double????? ohoho!
> 
> (TAVROS): wOW, YOU GUYS ARE PALER THAN I THOUGHT YOU'D BE,

He brushes up against Tavros' shoulder. Tavros bristles.

> JAKE: Jake english, adventure extraordinaire and collector of strange and wonderful anecdotes! good to meet you, chap! or rather, meet you again!
> 
> (TAVROS): wOW, YOU LOOK LIKE THAT ANNOYING GUY,
> 
> (TAVROS): yOU TALK DIFFERENTLY THOUGH,
> 
> JAKE: Might you be talking about john egbert?
> 
> (TAVROS): yEAH, *cLENCHES MY FIST*, THAT BASTARD,
> 
> JAKE: I actually don't think he's here now that i look around. oh well. perhaps he's busy!
> 
> (TAVROS): iT'S SUCH A TRIP LOOKING AT ALL OF YOU,
> 
> (TAVROS): wOW,
> 
> (TAVROS): wOWWIE WOW WOW,
> 
> (TAVROS): iT'S DAVE,
> 
> (TAVROS): yOU'RE A LOT LESS RED THAN WHAT I IMAGINED BUT YOU SURE LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO UH, KNOWS HOW TO LAY DOWN THE MOST SMOLDERING OF BEATS,
> 
> (TAVROS): ,,,i DON'T THINK I EVER UNBLOCKED YOU AFTER THAT ONE RAP SESH,
> 
> (TAVROS): oOPS,
> 
> DAVE: hey muchacho it dont matter
> 
> DAVE: the mouth of the man whomst stands before you is the mystical cave from which a waterfall of raps flow
> 
> DAVE: text can only do so much to portray my mastery
> 
> DAVE: so you might as well start talking to me in person
> 
> DAVE: i dunno how much you know karkat exactly but i have a secret about him to tell you
> 
> (TAVROS): wHOA, WHAT IS IT,
> 
> DAVE: lean in close
> 
> DAVE:
> 
> DAVE: (hes cute)
> 
> DAVE: and also weve been boning
> 
> KARKAT: THANK YOU, DAVE, FOR DESCRIBING OUR MATESPRITSHIP WITH THE LEAST ROMANTIC WORDS YOUR GIBBERING LIPS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BLABBED.
> 
> KARKAT: YOU INSUFFERABLE WENCH.
> 
> (TAVROS): }:O
> 
> KARKAT: OH, SHOVE IT WITH YOUR CURLYHORNED EMOTICONS OF ASTOUNDMENT. IT'S NOT _THAT_ SURPRISING I COULD HAVE A MATESPRIT, OKAY
> 
> (TAVROS): }:]
> 
> (TAVROS): (hEE,)
> 
> KARKAT: SHUT YOUR FUCK UP
> 
> (TAVROS): hEHE OK,
> 
> (TAVROS): oH HEY,
> 
> (TAVROS): iT'S YOU!
> 
> JADE: it's me!
> 
> (TAVROS): wE TALKED A FEW TIMES!
> 
> JADE: we did! :)
> 
> (TAVROS): i KILLED YOUR GRANDPA!
> 
> JADE: .
> 
> JADE: oh shit look!!!!!!!!! Its!!!!!!!!!!!!! kanaya!
> 
> (TAVROS): kANAYA!!!!!!!!
> 
> KANAYA: :)
> 
> (TAVROS): kANAYA, IT'S REALLY COOL TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
> 
> (TAVROS): sORRY YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE OF MAKING MY LEGS AND STUFF,
> 
> (TAVROS): oNLY FOR THEM TO BE REPLACED WITH LIKE, UH, REGULAR GHOST FEET,
> 
> (TAVROS): }:[,
> 
> KANAYA: Tavros The Pleasure Is All Mine
> 
> KANAYA: There Are Many Things I Would Rather Do Than Chainsaw People In Half
> 
> KANAYA: Well Historically Its Been Shown To Be Not So Bad An Idea
> 
> KANAYA: But Im Glad Anyway That You Have Legs
> 
> (TAVROS): i GOTTA SAY, 
> 
> (TAVROS): iT'S REALLY NICE, BEING SURROUNDED BY SO MANY OLD FRIENDS }:)
> 
> (TAVROS): aND ALSO JUST AS MANY, COMPLETE TOTAL STRANGERS,
> 
> ROXY: looool yeah i get that i get that 
> 
> ROXY: its hard enough keeping track of whos who when therere like 50 names to remember n most of them r mashed together in some form or another

The doppleganger's eyes finally turn to him.

Tavros wonders if this is becoming a trend.

> (TAVROS): sO,
> 
> (TAVROS): yOU'RE, UH, ME, RIGHT,
> 
> TAVROS: ,,,
> 
> TAVROS: yES
> 
> (TAVROS): wOW,
> 
> (TAVROS): wHY DO YOU LOOK, UH, TEN,
> 
> TAVROS: bECAUSE I AM,
> 
> TAVROS: "uH, TEN,"
> 
> JADE: most of us are in our twenties now!
> 
> JADE: wait, that's in human years! ummmm
> 
> JADE: we can legally drink and vote ourselves into office now!
> 
> (TAVROS): }:D
> 
> (TAVROS): wOW, SO COOL,
> 
> (TAVROS): sO, OLD ME,
> 
> (TAVROS): wHY DO YOU HAVE A TRIANGLE FACE,
> 
> TAVROS: hUH,
> 
> (TAVROS): i MEAN, UH, LOOK-WISE,
> 
> (TAVROS): iT'S ERRING MORE ON THE NEPETA SIDE, THAN, LIKE, THE EQUIUS, OR SOMETHING,
> 
> TAVROS: ,,,
> 
> TAVROS: (mY FACE IS TRIANGULAR?)
> 
> DAVE: he got prototyped as janes sprite
> 
> DAVE: jane crocker idk if you know her
> 
> DAVE: then later prototyped a second time with janes kitty cat
> 
> DAVE: english to troll translation: meowbeast
> 
> TAVROS: (iT DOESN'T FEEL TRIANGULAR,,,)
> 
> JAKE: why are you patting your face, old chap?
> 
> TAVROS: ,
> 
> TAVROS: i'M NOT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
> 
> ROXY: PARTY AT MY HOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUSE
> 
> (TAVROS): hAHA,
> 
> (TAVROS): (wHAT,,, wHAT HUMAN WORD IS THAT,)

The herd of ghosts and disheveled kids begins moving in the general direction of Roxy and Calliope's castle, Roxy leading the way with an off-key rendition of the Ghostbusters theme. Tavros is left in the dust. Finally. He can go home, jump into bed, and sleep the next few days off and forget this day ever happened.

> (TAVROS): hEY OLD ME!

FUCK.

> (TAVROS): wHAT'S IT LIKE NOT HAVING YOUR LOWER HALF }:?
> 
> TAVROS: uHH,
> 
> TAVROS: nOT AS INCONVENIENT AS YOU'D THINK I GUESS,
> 
> (TAVROS): cOOL,
> 
> (TAVROS): hAVING NORMAL LEGS IS, UH, TO BE HONEST,
> 
> (TAVROS): sOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ROBO ONES, nO MATTER HOW MUCH ROBO ONES MAKE ME FEEL LIKE, TROLL BLADE RUNNER,
> 
> TAVROS: yEAH
> 
> TAVROS: nORMAL,
> 
> TAVROS: tHAT'S,
> 
> TAVROS: COOL,
> 
> (TAVROS): hAVING A NORMAL BODY IS SOO AMAZING,
> 
> (TAVROS): i BET HAVING A SPRITE BODY IS COOLER THOUGH,
> 
> TAVROS: 
> 
> TAVROS: i GUESS,
> 
> (TAVROS): dO THE MEOWBEAST EAR FLAPS DO ANYTHING,
> 
> TAVROS: 
> 
> TAVROS: tHEY'RE EARS,
> 
> (TAVROS): cAN YOU,,, COMMUNE WITH YOURSELF,
> 
> TAVROS: i'VE NEVER EXACTLY TRIED,
> 
> TAVROS: nOR DO I HAVE AN INKLING ABOUT, HOW EXACTLY THAT WOULD WORK,
> 
> TAVROS: i'M ALREADY IN CONTROL OF MYSELF ANYWAY, AS FAR AS I KNOW CONSCIOUSLY, sO WOULDN'T COMMUNING JUST BE ME TALKING TO MYSELF, iN MY HEAD???
> 
> TAVROS: sO LET'S PUT A TENTATIVE, BUT FIRM, 'NO' ON THAT,
> 
> (TAVROS): mAYBE IF I TRIED COMMUNING WITH YOU IT WOULD WORK,
> 
> TAVROS: uM, 
> 
> TAVROS: hOW TO SAY THIS POLITELY BUT,
> 
> TAVROS: lIKE, DON'T
> 
> (TAVROS): aWWWW, OKAY,

He's backing off, okay. Tavros scans the area around him for someone, _anyone_ familiar that he can make an excuse to head off with. He spots a pair of lopsided glasses and buckteeth and his bloodpusher pulses so hard in relief he can feel it in the back of his throat.

> TAVROS: jAKE THERE YOU ARE, I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER,
> 
> JAKE: Oh! Hey there, gcatav! i was gonna go with ghost tavros to talk to that winged pixie fellow!
> 
> TAVROS: 
> 
> TAVROS: hUH-
> 
> JAKE: There are simply so many new people to talk to! like that fish lady who keeps trying to run people through with a trident. or that skateboarding helmet fellow! makes the heart aflutter with excitement, doesn't it??? or "bloodpusher". boy, i should practice my alternian in preparation for meeting with these folks! perhaps ghost tav can tutor me, afternoonified fellow that he is!
> 
> TAVROS: tH-
> 
> JAKE: Speaking of which, your ectoplasmic counterpart is proving to be a MARVELOUS storyteller as well! why, i might need to introduce him to our snapchat circle sometime.
> 
> JAKE: See you then, chuckaboo! good talking to ya!

As Tavros struggles to push out a full sentence, Jake claps his shoulder cheerily before disappearing into the gathered crowd of ghosts outside. Tavros can faintly hear him yell out and wave at someone before the spiky top of his head becomes indistinguishable from everyone else.

Tavros blinks very hard. After a few long minutes pass, he picks up his phone.

> TAVROS: Call John.


End file.
